BACK IN DA MUH-FUCKIN GAME

It's been a while, so I'll keep this brief. I was on assignment in Burma. That's about all I can say. Well I guess I'm socially obligated to also say, "There may or may not be a python epidemic in the next three months, but it would certainly have nothing to do with a secret chemical plant operated by the US government deep in the Burmese jungle."

Also, everyone may want to study the movie Anaconda. Very carefully.


Back to the thrust of today's postings: HOLOGRAMS! THEY FIGURED THAT SHIT OUT! DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




My initial reaction to the above video is about the same as 1/3 of the commenters. The other 2/3?

Racism and porn jokes. Let's have at it!





Indeed!







Yeah dude! Back in '84, I had this bitchin' rig that I was constantly drawing sprite-boobs on. With this hologram, it'll be like sticking my dick in that old computer.






Yes. But to tide you over until it's a consumer-level product, you can type 5,8008 into a calculator and then turn it upside down.








Um.... yeah. That... Um... Did it just get greasy in here? It feels like I just walked into a Gamestop.





Always a classic. Just think, this guy will be able to tell his grandkids about this.










Whoa. Porn and racism in one? That is, of course, assuming that "nippers" is slang for Nipponese, which might be giving godforge2003 a little too much credit.

But that does serve as an excellent transition to:






BOOM!!!!!!! Stay classy, 78 people who "thumbs up buttoned" this comment.






Indeed. But sir or madam, would you mind changing your username to PunctuationSoNasty?

Congratulations. Not only have you failed the capitalization test, you couldn't even manage a simple "Wait for it..." joke.


Alright, enough of that. Now for some comment-section mainstays:

1. The troll.



When attempting to insinuate that someone is a "fukcing inbred retard," you should never use the word "defo." 




2. The one-upper.

No you didn't, and no you shouldn't have. Proceed down the hall for mandatory neutering.


3. The conspiracy theorist






First of all, there is a cure for AIDS, it's a rare drug that only 1% of the population has access to called wealth.


Secondly, jetpacks.




So that about does it. I will now declare a winner out of all potential comments. All of the above comments are incorrect. The correct comment is:







That fucking Sci-Fi shit.





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There's a lot going on here.

This was posted on some NBA.com top ten list, but since the NBA's video player is so horribly broken, I won't link to it. Luckily for you, the reader, this matters not, as today's comment speaks for itself:

This comment is a fascinating insight into the mind of an individual who is clearly so intelligent that he or she cannot decide which information to bestow upon us humble peasants. Even the user name manages to cram massive amount of information in a single word. "KobeFan24Mamba" reads like the user name of someone who couldn't decide between several names, and just crammed them together, much like parents of my friend RogerStevenCraig.

But here, the username is just but an appetizer of things to come. What follows is a stream of consciousness that only the medium of comment can provide. I imagine someone just shouting this comment at the top of their lungs in a single breath. I highly recommend pasting this comment into your computer's text to speech program.

Seriously though, there is just so much going on in this comment that I don't know where to begin. I just... I have to go.

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Masterclass

The problem with this blog is that it is so hard to go out and look for hilariously unfortunate comments. They are kind of like love, they always show up when you least expect it, and if you go out looking for them, you're going to be disappointed.

Take this video explaining a recent scandal in the English football commentary world:



So Andy Grey and Richard Keys say some ignorant things about female officials, and shit gets real. Naturally, should their respective employers seek guidance in how best to deal with the situation, they should turn to the comment section:

I have no problem with uninformed, borderline illiterate comments made on the internet. I actually thrive on them, so I don't even know why I would need that qualifier. Normally, I would object to this comment being posted under the name "masterclass" but in this case the irony is simply too perfect for me to be upset about.

Thank you, masterclass, for living up to your name in every imaginable manner.




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Playing favorites

Now, as I'm sure all two of you have noted, while this blog traditionally draws from comment sections themselves, we here at Comment Section feel obliged to post anything that may or may not provide social commentary via the internet.


Like this:

Thank you, America.

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No Homo

I'm loving the paragraph breaks in this comment. You don't see that too often no homo.

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Making a cameo, with style.

Spotted on Rotten Tomatoes blatant whoring list of Colin Farrel's best movies:

That last guy is totally Nic Cage.






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De-Genrefication

Take a look at Google's classification of Rare Exports:

The Genre is dead. Long live the Genre.

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Defeating the purpose.

The abbreviation of "laugh out loud" as "LOL" doubtlessly arrived in the collective consciousness of internet-based typists due to the fact that its brevity and character count made it a far more efficient means of expressing one's amusement than the more traditional onomatopoeia, "haha."

The trick of it is, "lol" is but three characters in length while "haha" stands at a cumbersome four; meaning a typist stands to save a fourth of their valuable time by choosing the former over the latter. As the internet is a medium bred through a desire for immediacy, it is obvious why "lol" became the dominant method of expressing laughter at things such as cats in zero-gravity.



As we've already established, efficiency is the lifeblood of the internet. If a commenter were to take 25 percent more time than absolutely necessary to comment on a video, they would inevitably decrease there contribution to culture by a comparable percentage; which is why it is so frustrating to see great minds foolishly wasting time with inefficient comments such as this one:





By the way, that translates to, "Laughing out loud out loud out out loud" followed by some fabulous things that I don't presently have time to comment upon. The issue here is that williammeyes has overstepped the efficiency threshold of "haha" by an incredible five characters. This is unacceptable.

Unfortunately, he is not alone.





What skat0r (pronounced "skatt-OR") fails to understand is that the very essence of what he is trying to communicate would be more successfully accomplished with an extended "hahahahaha," which not only makes sense, but also avoids the futility of the extended "lol."

So gents, take notice. This is how you do it:








If in doubt, stay classy with a period.





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The mold was meant to be broken.

Obviously, this isn't a direct comment as much as it is something that the world needs to see.

Exquisite stuff from the BBC.




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Futility

You can't fight culture, man!

A little Self-Awareness

Normally, I wouldn't condone self-awareness while internet commenting, as it inevitably leads to a decrease in publishable material as far as this blog is concerned. However, today we have a rare case of self-awareness actually improving the quality of a comment.

Now for the particulars.

The video in question:



The Comment:

Hats off to KC36W. Stringing the reader along with all caps, misspellings, negative grammar and doubly unnecessary quotation marks only to capriciously draw attention to the angry, poorly written nature of the comment is a brilliant piece of invention.

But the true wonder here is a near admission of error. That would make this only the second time in the history of the internet that someone has admitted to be anything less than completely correct.

(The first time was a little seen event known as "The Kanye Anomaly")

The truth is that there is no true admission of error here, only a passing recognition of the frivolity of internet commenting. I pray, for the sake of my snarky disposition, that this is but a fleeting notion in the collective unconscious of internet users.





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I don't know if you're familiar, but...

There's this movie called Splice. It's about some geneticists who create some sort of human-monster hybrid, then proceed to both fall in love, and have sex with, said human-monster hybrid.

Yeah. It's kinda messed up. But it had a really good teaser.


Splice Teaser Trailer
Uploaded by E1films. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

But that's not where today's comment comes from. For that, we turn to some article on Rotten Tomatoes that I have forgotten about. I think it had something to do with craziest movie-hookups of the year. A list in which Splice's monster-human hybrid nastiness deserves a spot.

It begs the question, if given the chance to diddle some creepy, bald, winged, winged partial human of your own creation, would you?

For Adrien Brody and this dear chap, the answer is clear.





What doomzdavo does here is really something special. He has tapped into the cultural consciousness in a way few though an internet comment would be capable of doing. He eschews standard internet formatting by properly capitalizing and punctuating his sentences, letting the content of his statement shine gleefully through like a beam of sunlight through gaps between the leaves of trees.