Guess what?

It doesn't matter what video this comment was posted on. It is applicable to every video on the internet.

It's just true.




.

Wildly Veering off-topic

Wolfram Alpha is pretty cool.  Much more than a mere search engine, it is actually the first website offering to do your homework for you.

Don't believe me? Why would you? I understand how badly you've been screwed over by online English to Spanish translators in the past, why should you ever trust anything on the internet again? Well, let this wonderfully informative video explain away your fears.



There! Fears assuaged, right?

All except for the fears of fueling the robot revolution with each query... but hey! Why prolong the inevitable?

So like I said, Wolfram Alpha is pretty cool, and it certainly would have been nice to have while I was taking math, but I can't really shake the feeling that it just isn't quite right for my realm of questioning:

Yeah, I think I'll stick with Google for this one:

This is all purely hypothetical, of course, I know the great Bill Duke's filmography by heart.




.

LeAdvertising

So Nike just released a new LeBron James commercial.

Whenever someone does something in a manner as colossally douchey as LeBron's announcement that he was going to leave Cleveland to play for Miami, there is bound to be backlash.

And backlash means really good comments on your obligatory, "Fuck you haters" Nike commercial.

Choice highlights from the early birds (There will likely be an update coming once this thing gets more than 400 views)



The John Madden Award for making sure EVERYONE understands exactly what they're watching:

The Mixed Emotions Award for dropping one great nickname and one ignorant slur in the same comment:

The Charles Barkley "Tell us what you really think" Award:
(Disqualified from official competition due to the grandeur of user name.)

The "It sucks that you have to follow up fuckboy1991, but we applaud the effort of wishing physical harm to someone!" Award for being kind of creepy:

The "New York State of Mind" Award for, well... this:

The "Empire State of Mind" Award for lack of originality:

The "After School Special" Award for summing up what we've learned today:



The "Mortal Kombat" Award for performing a fatality on this debate, while having a really stupid name:


Now, all that's left to do is watch fuckboy1991 and PoopPeeSandwich fight to the death over user name supremacy.

A duel, I say!

Sir, I ask you this: What would be the point of a non-patriotic Independence Day? Nothing! Nothing, I say! How could any alien-invasion film be possibly considered good without a healthy dose of jingoism?!?

Your foolish comparison scale knows nothing of alien-invasion films if you it allows you to suggest that one could be of noteworthy quality despite lacking affirmations of our nation's greatness! How dare thee? This sounds like the talk of an alien!

So take your pithy references to Nissan automobiles away from here, or else it is pistols at dawn!

Problematic

Now, it's a well known internet fact that, if at all possible, one should refrain from any use of words containing a long "A" sound. For example, when discussing the ludicrously offensive boxer Floyd Mayweather, one should try to avoid actually saying his name, lest they want comments such as this one:






GET IT?!?!? GAYWEATHER?!??! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.


It's funny because part of his name rhymes with gay. Which means he likes dudes. Or something. I don't really know.


Although the coward part, I'm totally in agreement with. Dude needs to sack up and get beaten down by Pacquiao.

Naturally, this got my attention.

Look, the moving pictures industry already gets enough flak for casting based on appearance. Is it really worth it to open up this can of worms. This is just going to lead to people needlessly breeding cats.

Finally, PES vs. FIFA heats up again. The winner? People who read internet comments.

For those of you who don't follow video game soccer (or football, or whatever), it should be noted that there are two primary modes of getting your yearly soccer video game fix in; EA Sports FIFA series or Konami's Pro Evolution Soccer.

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.....

There was a time when Pro Evo ruled the soccer video game world. Purists swore by it, as its on-field action was second to none. There was no better soccer game, period. Or maybe even exclamation point.

Electronic Art's FIFA had always lagged well behind when it came to actually representing on-field gameplay, despite ridiculously higher production values. Unfortunately for EA, without decent soccer gameplay, "high production values" simply meant "better menu screens;" an underwhelming achievement, because Pro Evo's menus have always been notoriously terrible.

Fuggles.

FIFA's financial endowment also allowed them to snag up almost every licensing agreement with soccer leagues around the world, meaning that real team jerseys, logos, stadiums and sponsors appeared in the game. Konami was not so lucky (read: smaller budget), meaning Manchester United became Man Red in Pro Evo, along with other things of equal or greater lameness.

Until 2006, soccer fans had to choose between a better game lacking their favorite teams in Pro Evo, or the authenticity and good menus, but shoddy gameplay, of FIFA. But 2006 was the year everything changed. Both franchises floundered into the newly minted console generation, releasing forgettable entries for the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3, but the FIFA 07 released for the previous console generation was incredible.

And by incredible, I mean you could score really cool goals from really far away.

While it didn't quite best Pro Evo (which was still called Winning Eleven in the U.S. at the time), it was the first time that FIFA had threatened the throne that Pro Evo had sat upon so restlessly, for so long. Three years and a leap onto next-generation consoles later, Pro Evo was limping off the pitch, and FIFA 10 was the best soccer video game ever made.

But once again, as is liable to happen with sports games, everything has changed. FIFA 11 is still great, but has stagnated slightly in the wake of that whole, "best soccer game of all ever" thing, while Pro Evo has quietly stepped its game up enough to make things competitive.

Video Games | Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 | Review

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

Competition is generally good for video game enthusiasts, as two development teams duking it out to make sure their game is the best around increases the probability of two good games being released.

It also increases the volume of fanboy banter. And wow. Does this rivalry have some fanboys. It's always been a contentious debate, even when one of the games teeters into lessened relevancy. However, the best arguments are always wrought in years where the two franchises are closest in critical appraisal.

The following comment was posted on the above review from Gametrailers.com.

YUP.

So much good stuff going on in this comment. Wildly variant capitalization. Beautiful misspellings. No less than 12 sentence-ending punctuation marks for just two sentences (that's a SEPM average of 6.0/sentence for you stat geeks out there).

And you just can't go wrong anytime you replace "bought" with "bort." Incredible.

And now to sit back and wait for the Guiness folks to call me up about the record for "Longest build up to a comment-related post."

As for my prediction of what soccer game will reign supreme in the coming years, I'll say this: EA Sports has money. That will come into play. That's why they call it money.





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Unbridled Creativity

That is really the only way to adequately describe the spelling in the following comment.

I... I don't know where to start. I guess I can say that this is a comment on some NBA.com story about Michael Jordan saying Kobe Bryant isn't that great or something? I don't know. It's not really important. Because this comment is there.

Now, this is clearly an English-as-a-second-language comment situation, and I in no way intend to insult anyone here, because this English is better than my... anything. Except maybe Idiran. Still. You've got to love the spelling here.

Highlights include:

"Absurd" spelled "Absoured"

Replacing "and" with "in"

Suggesting YouTube as a valuable research tool - in basketball analysis, it actually can be, but it's just kind of funny to say it.

But the cake-taker is spelling "Clyde Drexler" as "Clyde Drexclyer."

Just think. He could've been called "Clyer the Flyer" OR "Drexclyer the Tex Flyer!" Because he's from Texas. I think.

That last one really brought out the chuckle.

Also, "Dwayne Wade" is not correct. It's "Dwyane!" IDIOT. That's the type of mistake only an IDIOTIC IDIOT would make. The "y" comes before the "ane" for absolutely no reason, and to the ire of phoneticists everywhere. HOW COULD YOU MESS THAT UP!?!?!?

Marauding Wolves bring out the worst in people.

Yeah, that's right. Marauding wolves. Did you not know wolves maraud? They maraud, like, all the time. In fact, I don't know if I've ever seen a wolf NOT marauding. It's actually kind of unnecessary to label wolves as marauding. So, we've established that the title of the following video is redundant.



The choicest comment on it, however, is not.






First of all, Marxist Domination wouldn't even exist without Mother Russia, so what's it all uppity about?

But on top of that, it's just logically flawed (a fact that is shocking enough on its own, considering the fact that it's a YouTube comment, usually a source of clarity and insight). But I digress.

I mean, if Russia is garbage, why would anyone follow your directive and fuck it? Coitally engaging detritus is not bound to be an act that anyone is too keen on.

If only your logic was as sound as your mastery of capitalization dichotomy.

Green beans.

Let's get it started up ins.

Is this a down-home compliment, or an underhanded insult?

I my worldview, a tall can of green beans is not a good thing. It's like a punishment. It's like... It's like something someone might be forced to eat in a Saw 18: El Ultimo.

HOWEVER, perhaps there are places where a tall can of green beans is quite the commodity, and thusly an acceptable simileic comparator in positive one sentence film reviews.

Alas, my meandering stream of unconsciousness probably has no point, as this is indubitably some hipster attempting to make a quaint comment. Little did LamontRaymond know that some anonymous -and hugely bitter- blogger would be there to analyze every word.

Haha. Sucker.

And, naturally, things get weird.

First of all, if you haven't seen Red Letter Media's epic reviews of the Star Wars prequels, do that now. At over an hour each, they don't even qualify as reviews any more, they're documentaries. But above all, they are more than worth your time. And if you're considering film school, they can save you a lot of money.

Here's part one of the Phantom Menace review:



And yes. The narration is hugely disturbing.

But not quite as disturbing as the commentary on it.

"What's so disturbing about that?" You  may query. "Pretty standard YouTube fair." You might say.

But then, you might look at Dean1806's user page, and see a recent activity panel that looks something like this:

Bracketing a protracted "Go Fuck Ur Self" comment on a Back to the Future video (where the hell did that come from?) are a series of knowledgeable comments on handgun videos. 

Lovely.

So we can deduce that Dean1806 is a highly opinionated handgun fanatic who does not like funky beaver tales.

Also, if they whole "if your desired user name is unavailable, try adding your birth year to the end of it," thing is to be believed, Dean is also an immortal.

Which would actually explain his hatred of talking like a fucking faggot, his fascination with weaponry from 1911, and his disapproval of time travel.

The waiting is the hardest part.

When it comes to video game reviews, few are more detailed or expertly assembled than Gametrailers.com video reviews. Where texts reviews can simply cite examples of things a game does well or poorly, and most video reviews simply cobble together random gameplay clips and commentary, Game Trailers actually syncs gameplay examples of the strengths and weaknesses with the commentary discussing them.

This seems like an extremely simple concept to aspire to, but it is (almost shockingly) rarely done by anyone other than Game Trailers. 

The site definitely has its faults; its reviews have to be taken with a grain of salt, as they tend to be swayed by zeitgeist a little too frequently, and still suffer from what I call "checklist reviewing," a style that plagues video game journalism.

Checklist Reviewing involves judging a game by how well it does a series of things, (Gameplay, graphics, story... etc) instead of analyzing it as a unified whole, the way one might review a film or a book. This system does not allow for ambitious and revolutionary games like criminally under-appreciated Mirror's Edge to be judged fairly, as deviation from what makes a game "fun" or "good" is not rewarded.

That said, Game Trailers is my go to place to get pretty decent opinions on video games, and to watch very well edited and professionally composed gameplay analyses. 

That said, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY NBA 2K11 REVIEW?!??!?

You're killing me, Game Trailers! I had to go to some dark places to get my review fix for it. I'm not proud of what I did. I... I... I don't even want to say it. I'm so ashamed.

I watched IGN's video review, okay!? It was horrible! It torn my soul in two! Are you happy now!? Do you see what you've made me do, Game Trailers? Is this the man I've become?

Seriously though. IGN is some shit. Get on that, Game Trailers. And in the meantime, maybe you want to update your NBA 2k11 game synopsis. 

Real NBA rosters?!? AND MORE?!?! Oh lordy, lordy lordy!

Indeed.

Indeed.

Help me out, loyal readership of people who came here by accident.

So here's the required viewing for today's lecture:



Yeah, it's that song that MF Doom sampled for "Hoe Cakes," also known as "Supersonic" by JJ Fad. First, let me note how choice it was for the uploader to denote that the video quality as A++. I owe this person a great debt for being the first person to accurately capture the ambience of a Slovenian car dealership.

Now, if the above video is not chronologically indicative, this is a song that was released during the 1980s, a fact that comes into play when someone leaves a comment like this:






Seeing as Fergie was no older than 12 when "Supersonic" was released, it would have been pretty difficult for JJ Fad to have stolen anything from her, outside of maybe a wicked Koosh ball collection or something.

In fact, this statement is so patently ridiculous that it brings to mind a disastrous possibility; could BehindTheLight99 be trolling?

Despite how much everyone hates trolls, knowing that no one actually thinks JJ Fad ripped off Fergie would probably be better for most people's overall outlook on humanity. So let's be safe and assume the trolling thing.

Of course, no one else makes that assumption, and the corrections begin. That is the point at which a good internet person would say something like "haha jp lol" OR "lol jk yall haha" OR PERHAPS "relax yall just joshin lol"

But not BehindTheLight99! Observe:

BOOM! HATEFUL!

There's no news like totally incorrect news!






I call this one the "you fucking retard (remix)" OR if you're into mash-up titles: "you fucking remix."


So here's where I need your help, dear readers (read: cats who accidentally typed in the Comment Section URL while chasing a moth across the keyboard). Is BehindTheLight99 really painfully unawares, and an asshole? Or just failing at sarcasm, and an asshole?

Also, what happened to that kid who's cutting a freaking rug in the Fergalicious video? Dude is rocking it!

Hypocrisy is fun for everyone!

Heated rivalries between English Football clubs translate quite well into comment sections on the internets. Match highlights are always a good place to go to find elaborate feuds between supporters of rival clubs.

But don't let the fact that their are a bunch of enemies openly talking shit about your team get to your head. You've got fans of your own team to berate!

Now, when you tell someone they're making their team (that also happens to be your team) look stupid, a good rule of thumb is to write in such a manner as to confuse potential readers about your literacy.

Observe:

I mean, really? Normally I would eat this up, but I'm honestly a little disappointed here. It's like, how do miss that? How do you not comprehend the idiotic dichotomy between what you are saying and how you are saying it?

COME ON!

Quite.

So I should warn you. This Sebastian Telfair mix is titled 2 Fast 2 Furious, and contains music by Ludacris.



I wonder what people think of the musical track? I mean, I'd really like to know. I wish someone would tell us their opinion on the subject. I doubt anyone will, but you know... wishful thinking and all that.

Wait. What's this?

FANTASTIC! It would seem that the music is happy!

Or perhaps liddojoe was using the word "gay" in the colloquial sense, which would mean that he finds the music to be sexually attracted to other musics of the same sex.

Either way, there's no mistaking his fondness for Luda's enchanting ballad. Hm... yes. Quite.

But now, I wonder if anyone has any predictions about the future of the video's subject, New York high school hoops legend, Sebastian Telfair?

You do? Surely you jest!




Um... Wait. Wasn't Sebastian Telfair drafted... 6 years ago? Hasn't he done absolutely nothing to live up to the hype that he left high school with? Hasn't he generally been considered a bust; a cautionary tale against going directly from high school to the NBA?

This is probably just an old.... wait. Nope. 4 months ago. Ay.

YouTube wasn't even launched when Telfair was drafted. This is probably a joke.

But I hope it isn't.

U need MOR PROOOOF??

Man, if y'all didn't catch my ultra-revealing Jay-Z/Illuminati expose yesterday, a YouTube user called spankMAbooTAY is here to reiterate it's central message:

Naturally, this comment was on a video about Tupac still being alive.

Unfortunately, as both video and comment involve some sort of hip-hop conspiracy, I'm going to have to penalize spankMAbooTAY for overly correlative commenting. Next time post this on a "Will it blend" video or something.

On the other hand, spanky does get bonus points for responding to a comment that has absolutely nothing to do with what he is saying.

And hey! Let's see what rap conspiracy stalwart caligotspeerbomb has to say about the video:

On a related note, I am going to abandon looking for comments on rap conspiracy videos. While they may be an absolute freaking goldmine of hilarity, they can get pretty dark.

And I'm depressed enough as it is.

Great minds unite!

This is what Comment Section is all about, people. The finest minds of our global superforum discussing a topic marginally related to the subject under which it is posted. This is why I get up in the morning.

Beneath a video of Dave Letterman interviewing Jay-Z,  there is a fascinating dialogue concerning the true nature of the circumstances surrounding Jay-Z's entrepreneurial success.

The interview is actually pretty funny, but yeah... it's not like I go on YouTube to watch videos! I go for the knowledge bombs dropped in the comment section. And this one is rife with them.

A preface:


So there's something of a rumor going around the interwebs that Jay-Z is a high-ranking member of the illuminati, or some equally shadowy underground something or other. I would love to document the supposed evidence here, but just Google "Jay-Z illuminati" and you'll find out more than you ever wanted to know.

Or you could skip the speculation and head straight to the definitive truth:

BOOM! WORLDVIEW BOMB!

This is All-Star quality commenting. All-caps? Sentence breaks with ellipses? Paranoid delusions expressed as facts? Only the greatest achieve such heights. I mean, if you want to be taken seriously, and even trusted, this is the only reasonable way to present your argument.

In caligotspeerbomb's defense, this is clearly a "heat of the moment" thing, and there are a lot of people who agree with what is said here, expressing themselves in much more grammatically correct means.

Musical interlude.


Back to Jay-Z conspiracy theorists:

In defense of Jay, holloway092001 says,








In an attempt to make two good points, the first about the racial tensions inherently brought up when a Eurocentric society is confronted with successful black men, and the second about the level of trust one can put in a person who misspells two-letter words, holloway092001 falls flat with an incorrect use of the words "your" and "its." A couple apostrophes and an "e" would be all you need to appear remedially intelligent!

But intelligence aside, holloway092001' point is made, and caligotspeerbomb isn't going to take this lying down.

Just... just brilliant. I think I might start following caligotspeerbomb on youtube just to have constant material for this blog. I would run the risk of turning Comment Section into a fansite, but it's a risk a may have to take!

It's about this time in the comment thread that the suspisciously named redarmyjay joins the conversation.








Now, maybe I'm missing something, but until this point the potential apocalyptic event of 2012 has not been so much as hinted at. I would guess this is some sort of reference to the commonality of overarching implausibility between doomsday prophecies and conspiracy theories, but that I'm meeting redarmyjay more than halfway here.

Now, caligotspeerbomb is at the breaking point. He's going to drop the r-word.







DO SUM RESEARH THEN COME TALK UR SHYT!!!   -- This is a guaranteed way to start a fight on the internet.

This is the point in the debate where, were it directed by Michael Bay, Martin Lawrence would slowly hang up a phone as the camera circled around him, and say, "This shit just got real."

Also of note in this comment: It would appear that caligotspeerbomb genuinely believes "faggot" is spelled "fagget," as he has now spelled it thusly in two consecutive comments. Although the number of t's seems to be a variable that can be adjusted for emphasis.

redarmyjay tries really, really, hard to make a legitimate argument.

And it's not bad. But the lack of proper capitalization and punctuation hurts the legitimacy of the argument. And it should be noted that whenever someone on the internet says they used "factual sources," it means they read the first link on the second page of their Google search, and nothing else.

Then someone actually tries to make a comment about the video:

It's like, FUCK OFF DUDE. This is not the place for that. Go to fuggin vimeo or some shit if you want to talk about videos. Can someone please get us back on track?

That's more like it. This one pretty much closes the book on this debate too. I mean, can anyone really argue with that logic?

I didn't think so. I mean, if there was just "so many damn evidence," or if there was "so many fucking evidence" you could probably find fault with it. But since"theres like so many dammn fuckn evidence its not even funny..." there is much more that can be said.

Case closed.



Or is it?

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNN!!!





.

Um....

I sincerely hope that this comment on an Ice Cube video is a typo.

Because if it's not... well. Yeah. That'd be a pretty uncomfortable truth.



.

Fresh bigotry!

Oh man, I'm proud to say that I've got some hot-off-the-keyboard commenting to highlight here.

Captured a mere 25 seconds after it was dropped, comes this sparkling insight from TheYosoy123:

How truly grand! It's sheer originality! It's lovable use of capital letters! It's an absolute screamer of a comment!

The concept behind the comment grants a hint as to what video it was a comment on.

Are you ready for some football?

dave_lutzeier is! Woo! In an unfortunate situation involving mismatched metaphors, he really hits this one out of the park.

So, apparently, Michael Vick got injured?

I really wouldn't know. Last I heard, he was doing something with dogs. Probably something really charitable. I don't really follow the NFL. In my opinion, the only thing anyone should ever need to know about professional American football is whether or not the development team of NFL 2k5 has received a Nobel prize yet.

Because that game is the best thing there ever was.

dave_lutzeier, on the other hand, feels there is much to be known and told about the league, and a recently injured Michael Vick in particular. He reveals the particulars of Vick's injury in a scathing expose posted underneath the story on ESPN.com.

Here is his tell-all comment in its entirety:







Overall, it's a great mix of commenting tropes. You've got some all-caps sentences thrown in there, multiple exclamation points ending sentences (an act forgivable by the fact that the entire comment is not in caps; had it been, there would be no need for any punctuation) but perhaps best of all is the ruthlessly creative spelling of motherfucker, "MUTHAPHUKKKKA."

While his tiptoeing around ESPN's comment censors is spectacularly admirable, what really puts dave_lutzeier's beast of a comment above and beyond your average troll is the content. dave transcends the medium of comment by channeling his improper spelling, grammar and punctuation into a precisely focused attack on Vick's character.

Where other, less enlightened, commenters may have haphazardly slung run-on sentences and capital letters about, dave_lutzeier cites extensive research into the life of Michael Vick. There are accusations of sexually transmitted diseases, insinuations of poor bone development, and mentions of Vick's time in prison; which, most assuredly, had nothing to do with canine charities.

There is even a reference to the non de plume Vick operated his charitable dog-walking business under, Ron Mexico - a name that Vick deserves nothing short of an ocean of praise for inventing.

To wrap up an analyzation that could go on for pages, this is how you ruin someone on the internet. If Michael Vick were to ever read this comment, he would become a broken man. Oh wait. He already is because his ribs are broken! HA!

Unfortunately, this comment can't stand toe to toe with the truly great all-time comments, as there are no racial insensitivities or mentions of how much Vick likes it up the butt. That really would have put it over the top.


And for the record, HERPE CONTAMINATED should be hyphenated.



.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT SO I WILL WRITE IN CAPS SO YOU CAN FULLY COMPREHEND

All caps writing has long been a trope of internet commenting. However, some fail to fully harness its awesome power. You can usually spot these poor individuals because of their accidental use of punctuation; to actualize the all caps sentence, you must let the letters speak for themselves. Puny exclamation marks do not deserve the honor of ending such glorious prose.

Bolding is occasionally acceptable.

For a primer in the all caps sentence, let us turn to GABRIEL36893, and his commentary on the recent American football game between the University of Oregon and Stanford.

Normally, using a period to indicate the end of a sentence would be unacceptable. The all caps sentence knows no bounds; one should never attempt to contain it with such earthen constructs. GABRIEL36893 is saved from his oversight in this matter by his utter disregard for subject-verb agreement.

So, my dear GABRIEL36893, I am impress with your commenting abilities!