Are you ready for some football?

dave_lutzeier is! Woo! In an unfortunate situation involving mismatched metaphors, he really hits this one out of the park.

So, apparently, Michael Vick got injured?

I really wouldn't know. Last I heard, he was doing something with dogs. Probably something really charitable. I don't really follow the NFL. In my opinion, the only thing anyone should ever need to know about professional American football is whether or not the development team of NFL 2k5 has received a Nobel prize yet.

Because that game is the best thing there ever was.

dave_lutzeier, on the other hand, feels there is much to be known and told about the league, and a recently injured Michael Vick in particular. He reveals the particulars of Vick's injury in a scathing expose posted underneath the story on ESPN.com.

Here is his tell-all comment in its entirety:







Overall, it's a great mix of commenting tropes. You've got some all-caps sentences thrown in there, multiple exclamation points ending sentences (an act forgivable by the fact that the entire comment is not in caps; had it been, there would be no need for any punctuation) but perhaps best of all is the ruthlessly creative spelling of motherfucker, "MUTHAPHUKKKKA."

While his tiptoeing around ESPN's comment censors is spectacularly admirable, what really puts dave_lutzeier's beast of a comment above and beyond your average troll is the content. dave transcends the medium of comment by channeling his improper spelling, grammar and punctuation into a precisely focused attack on Vick's character.

Where other, less enlightened, commenters may have haphazardly slung run-on sentences and capital letters about, dave_lutzeier cites extensive research into the life of Michael Vick. There are accusations of sexually transmitted diseases, insinuations of poor bone development, and mentions of Vick's time in prison; which, most assuredly, had nothing to do with canine charities.

There is even a reference to the non de plume Vick operated his charitable dog-walking business under, Ron Mexico - a name that Vick deserves nothing short of an ocean of praise for inventing.

To wrap up an analyzation that could go on for pages, this is how you ruin someone on the internet. If Michael Vick were to ever read this comment, he would become a broken man. Oh wait. He already is because his ribs are broken! HA!

Unfortunately, this comment can't stand toe to toe with the truly great all-time comments, as there are no racial insensitivities or mentions of how much Vick likes it up the butt. That really would have put it over the top.


And for the record, HERPE CONTAMINATED should be hyphenated.



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