Yeesh.

This is just what you would expect from commenters on a blog about the forthcoming technological singularity.

Did you notice how they incorrectly capitalized the final three words of the comment!?!?!?!?

How lame can you get!? HAHAHAHAHA.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

What's that movie where all those soldiers go on that mission to save some dude named private Ryan? Saving... saving... something. I don't remember.

There's something truly special about this one. It's like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer wonders aloud what the movie about the speeding bus that couldn't let its speed drop too low was called.

Congratulations, internet. You are officially as dumb as Homer Simpson.

Groove on this.

First of all: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggghhhhhhhhh.... yeeeeeaah.

That's all I have to say. Let's hear from some our distinguished guests:






Now, I'm not entirely sure what a "fuck boy" is, but I can safely say I am not one, as I liked this very much. Using my dynamo-level vocabulary skills, I can safely assume (by analyzing the context) that a "fuck boy" is a "boy" who "fucks" another man's woman. Synonyms include: "Girlfriend snatcher" and "pro athlete."

--------

And now for some neo-feminism:

Word. If anybody is a bitch in this situation, it's clearly the "fuck boy." Sidenote: This comment was clearly written by a Mountain Dew rep.

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Are there any fuck boys in the crowd?

And now you've taken your philanderous tale to the YouTube. Thank you sir. Also, the "e" at the end of  the word "like" is more essential than you realize. The fate of humanity rests on that "e."

Interesting vocab note: While philanderous isn't actually a word (yet), it is a derivative of the word philander, meaning a man who "readily or frequently engages in casual relationships with women." However, philander comes from the Greek word philandros, which means, "fond of men." How does that work?

-------

So true. He's basically made a career out of stealing other dudes' women. I mean, a guy like Don Draper does it as a hobby, which is cool and stuff, but he has a completely separate job as a source of income.

R. Kelly doesn't. He feeds his family with his girlfriend-snatching abilities.

-------

And finally, it wouldn't be the YouTube without:

You stay classy, teddy080392.

The Green Lantern

That pretty much sums it up!





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Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much information.

Just... come on. This is the freaking comment section on a slideshow set to Bill Withers' "Just the Two of Us."







Wow. Um... Good to know.



Also: Way to kill the mood, dog.





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Who still uses a rolodex?

Today's bit of choice interweb morality morsels is pretty self explanatory.

Unless you don't understand extreme over-reaction to a good-natured (by internet standards) ribbing.

Because that is what's going on here.

Why do people have so much hate in them? Don't they realize that there are more important things to expend energy on than freaking out when someone doesn't like Tron? Isn't the world on the brink of World War III or something?

Ed. note: I realize the hypocrisy of judging others energy use while I myself expend energy sporadically updating a blog that makes fun of internet commenters. Let's not bring it up again, alright?


In other news: TRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN!!!!!






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A Cornucopia of Offensiveness

And no, I'm not talking about Energy Solutions Arena.


I'm talking about this:






And all the comments that may follow it. There are really too many to post here. Do yourself a favor. Watch this awesome dunk, then click through to YouTube and scroll through pages of racist comments and useless arguments. It's good fun!

Here's one to whet your whistle:

If you want more phrases like "weakest pussys" and "ungay" then please, please click through.


Think of the children.



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Racism's still alive. They just be concealing it.

They're concealing it quite a bit here. So much so that you have to look really hard to see the racism there. You have to look hard enough until you see words that are not actually present on your screen. THEN you'll see how racist this shit is.

Oh, and of course this was posted on the Exorcist soundtrack.



Racist.




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Call and Response

Go ahead and press play, then continue reading as Hans Zimmer makes your day a little bit more bombastic. Blog posts could use a good Zimmeister soundtrack anyway.



Great stuff, right? Truth be told, there is little about The Thin Red Line that isn't great. Woefully underrated and under-appreciated upon its release, it was unfortunately compared to fellow World War II film Saving Private Ryan, with which it shares a release year.

The fact is that both films are absolutely stunning visions of World War II. Where Saving Private Ryan takes a more relatable approach of showing the war through the eyes of those most affected by it, the soldiers who fought and died on the front lines; The Thin Red Line chooses to use the perspectives of soldiers as a lens for a meditation on the nature of war and violence itself.

In my personal opinion, The Thin Red Line is the better of the two films, as it dares to look beneath the surface of the story it appears to be telling and search for some deeper meaning in scenes of humanity at its darkest. That said, let it take nothing away from Saving Private Ryan, which is an incredible film, deserving of nothing but the highest praise. I simply prefer The Thin Red Line, but could easily hear arguments for both. I actually think the two films work best as companion pieces, each perfectly capturing and analyzing very different aspects of war.

I now turn the discussion over to TheRocknRollfreak for some expert analysis of The Thin Red Line:

Indeed. EVERYONE MUST READ! Is there a better way to start a sentence on the internet? 

And now for a response:

Eloquence, thy name is temperex.

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You will not see this very often.

When it comes to the internet, you have to do something universally reviled in order to have an off chance that people won't endlessly debate it. Any sort of coalescence of opinion is an absolute rarity. People argue on the internet, usually in pretty incoherent terms. It's just what happens. It's just how stuff goes down on the cloud.

So when you have FOUR PAGES of comments where everyone is just agreeing with each other like civil-minded human beings, you know something is seriously wrong.

That being said, I present to you one of the most obvious travels in the history of the NBA.



You may have noticed that this play was awarded "Play of the Day" by NBA.com. Let's see what people think about that.

(Skip past them, and I'll save you some time.)

All but about 3 of these comments are expressing varying levels of disgust at the blatancy with which Josh Smith (J-Smoove) takes about nine steps before dunking on the helpless Kris Humphries.

The NBA has long been lambasted for its dichotomous traveling policy. Traveling is either called or isn't, depending on how referees feel. Does that count as dichotomous? I just really wanted to use lambasted and dichotomous in a single sentence.

Anyway, the NBA public relations people should probably get to beating whoever chose this as play of the day with some sort of sharp object. Because that's how the Sterninator gets down.

Look, I'm already depressed enough, universe.

This is easily the saddest thing you'll see all week.

You guys do see Raging Bull on this list, right?


I'm sorry, America, but The Blind Side is not a better movie than RAGING FREAKING BULL. Ask anyone who had anything to do with The Blind Side if they think they made a film superior to Martin Scorsese's boxing masterpiece, and I guarantee that the answer would be a resounding "Hell the balls no."

I'm not saying that The Blind Side isn't a perfectly good movie. It's just, come on. Even The Natural beat Raging Bull. 


What the hell, 85% of the 7,256 people who took this poll on ESPN.com? This just makes me really sad. And I don't need that in my life.

If I can't convince myself that Sandra Bullock owns at least 4,000 different computers, I'm moving to Vermont.

P.S. Some of the sadness is rescinded by pride at the fact that I knew that was Vermont without even looking. I have now used my grade school education 376 more times than my college degree.

You stay classy.

Yo! Howzabout a little classy stuff today? Just to be... ugh. Screw it. Peep it:






Hey, humanity! Good luck with that world peace thing!

Yup.

Y'all remember God Shammgod? Of course you don't. You're not a New York streetball aficionado from 1993. (Unless you are. In which case, shout out!)

Anyway. Shammgod did this to people:



He did this to people frequently enough that they named the move after him. Also, his first name was God.

You follow me?







Yes. Try to keep up.

Anyway, you might think that someone with stupid-doo-doo-dumb handles like that would make it in the NBA (also known as The Association) without much trouble, right?






Um.... yeah. As foshow38 tries really hard to point out, Shammgod missed the layup after the nastiness incarnate that was his offhanded crossover. Perhaps due to the fact that this was a tendency of his, he didn't last long in The Association. He got drafted by the Wizards during a time when point guards with streetball handles were all the rage, then faded away into basketball trivia contests.

According to fact-haven Wikipedia, he plays for a team in Portland, Oregon that no one has ever heard of, and is most likely the fevered imagination of Stephon Marbury hallucinating after a bad batch of vaseline.

Pause for obligatory handles mixtape:



Dear David Stern,

Please overturn the carrying violations that were imposed to keep these guys down. Even Andrei Kirilenko is hurt by them. God Shammgod could have been the business.

-Everyone

P.S. Don't believe me? Ask YouTube user and theoretical basketball fan 1funnybunny what he thinks of Shammgod:





His Handel sounds like a Bavarian astrophysicist. But yeah. Shammgod's handles were pretty good.

If only a deity could weigh in on the subject.






Quite.




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This really isn't fair.

Over the past decade, two things have emerged as the primary channels for dispensation of homophobic, racist and ignorant opinions: Online first person shooters, and internet comment sections.

The following is a commercial for the former, hosted on the latter. It's kind of like the perfect storm of internet commentary. And it makes my job (metaphorical job, not get-paid-job) way too easy. I don't even have to try.



This commercial for Call of Duty: The Next One shows that everyone likes to kill people. I think. I'm pretty sure that is the point of this commercial. In my humble opinion, (which is always right, if you're keeping track) this is kind of a creepy premise for a commercial. I think the game is better served by showing actual gameplay trailers like this one:



You know, trailers that actually show that the game looks pretty incredible? That might be a good idea, instead of focusing on the creepy effects that video games have on people. Just saying.

The result of the first video is polarizing. People who weren't interested in the game get even more put-off by its concept, and people who have the game pre-ordered get a handjob and a pat on the back. The result of the second video is the same for both parties: "Wow, that looks pretty cool."

But of course, you didn't come here for my opinions. You came here to read the opinions of people who actually matter, the YouTube commenters. This is now possible, thanks to wonders of comment-aggregation-technology!

Huzzah!

So YouTube and Call of Duty and YouTube fans, what did you think of the live action Call of Duty: Black Ops commercial?





Uh... okay. Sure you do! Anybody else?






Wow. This is one of the special ones. I have a feeling we'll be hearing from jul420 again.

First of all: PROOFREAD. You almost came off as semi-literate.

Secondly, and most importantly: Dude. Fuck off. We don't need any actual insight here. Or did you miss the part where Jimmy Kimmel has a rocket launcher? God. I need to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Hit me with another comment, quick!




Thank you. That's so much better. I... I can't help but tear up. This comment has it all, in such an efficient package: Homophobic slurs, no punctuation and perfect encapsulation of the essence of a text message from 2002.

jul420 is an All Star Commenter. Who dares follow him?





Exquisite. Despite your utterly incongruous name (maybe swap names with the dude two comments up) you sir, have stepped up to the challenge, and seen it through. Let no one tell you that the trend of saying something "funny" about the amount of people who "dislike-buttoned" a video is secretly very lame.





There it is. Absolutely outstanding. And you even felt the need to get the ball rolling on the laughter; priming the pump, as it were, for the inevitable cavalcade of chortling that will follow the reading of your prose.

Want more racist puns? Look no further!

It's funny because "black" is in the game title, and people of African descent are commonly referred to as "black people." You see what he did there? It should also be noted that the person he's referring to is five -time NBA champion and Olympic Gold Medalist Kobe Bryant. But you wouldn't expect him to be up on that bit of cultural relevance.

And now, sadly, we must end this post. Not with a bang, but with perhaps the most fitting comment imaginable:




Indeed. This has been Comment-Agregation Theater: Black Ops.


Thank you, and goodnight.




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Legal Advice

Did you know lawyers regularly post free legal advice on YouTube?





If only I had gone to law school.

I hate to harp on a theme, but...

So there's kind of a general consensus that Bruce Lee was an all around cool dude. He made some really cool movies, beat a lot of people up in cool ways, and made a lot of really cool noises.

There is some controversy over whether his famed "1 inch punch," in which he punches an opponent with a windup no longer than the length of his fingers, is really a "1 inch shove."

Naturally, you can expect someone in a YouTube comment section to explain it eloquently...

Indeed, sir! But how about a pithy comeback from a practiced troll?

Clearly, these two user's names imply some unrelated beef that is clearly boiling over into the Bruce Lee discussion. Let's hope they get that worked out.




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MORE BOOBS-related comments.

So when I went to find a trailer for Ghost in the Shell to link to in the previous post, I found one.

While that story could end there and still be amazing, it actually gets more amazing. Or, as they say in Uruaguay, "Mas Amazando."

Note: They don't actually say that shit. It's mas asombroso, dumbass. Try using the dashboard translator sometime. Actually, like 7 times. Those things don't really work too well.


You see, I found this trailer. Which you shouldn't actually watch unless you've seen the movie, because it gives away the crux of the story in under 5 seconds.

Note: Check if they record for quickest trailer spoilers.


But it does so with some asombrosamente bad narration, so it's kind of forgivable. But it's all worth it, just for the second most liked comment on the trailer.






It's not just the Japanese, son. Boobs are a globally prized commodity.



Note: That is the type of sentence you wait your whole life to write.




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Summation Nation

This effectively sums up the feelings the collective consciousness of comment-makers on every opinion presented on the internet.

In what I think we can all agree is some zen shit, I actually happen to agree with this comment-maker, as this was posted on a negative review of Ghost in the Shell.

Again... with no need for context.

Perhaps this may become an ongoing series of comment classification, wherein the posted comment contains such an exuberant quality that it requires absolutely no clarification as to the type of video upon which it was posted.

A comment such as this is special enough to overcome the inherent qualification of a comment (that it is, invariably, a response to something else) and is able stand on it's own as a work of art.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you, the work of REPODONE:

It should, first and foremost, be noted that REPODONE's emergence of excellence was only a matter of time, as he was able to apply the great law of commenting (And ye shall type in all caps, not some caps, but all caps) to his very name. An outstandingly bold decision, sir.

And with I LIKE BOOBDOLLARSIGN, he has produce his masterpiece, and he will fade into the memories of our collective unconscious, perhaps someday even merging with the internet itself.

Go forth, you king of kings, and make great work.





It should be noted that the comment was posted on a video having nothing to do with boob.

Or dollar signs.



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Dichotomous

So Kanye West dropped that big ol' music video thing recently. It's half an hour long, and it looks like he really thinks it's profound. On the surface, it looks like it could be profound; there are things that could be symbolic of other things, messages that may or may not be thematically pertinent and shots of Kanye running in the forest.

But when you think back on it, you realize that it doesn't really make any sense. Kanye just wanted to holla at this model in a bird costume.

Regardless of your thoughts on the subject, this is probably not the best approach to take in your criticism of it:

Absolutely classic. All caps, minimal punctuation, and a desperate plea for "thumbs ups?" People, these are the ingredients for a top notch internet comment cocktail. Take notes.

Or, you could take another route:

No caps, missing definitive articles, and anti-gay slurs all in one compact package! Fantastic.

The interesting thing about these two comments is how they manage to convey the idiocy and ignorance of their authors' in such different ways. makinghitz111 goes for the flashy, attention grabbing all-caps approach, and is largely successful, until you make your way down to DerkNS4L, who is able convey a similar theme much more efficiently.

Normally, one would applaud DerkNS4L's approach, as it makes makinghitz111's appear bloated and overlong. However, one may not even notice DerkNS4L's comment, as it falls in the gigantic shadow of those that came before.

Hell, if you're scrolling through the comment section looking for flamebait, you might even mistake DerkNS4L's comment for something intelligible. There is no chance of making this mistake with makinghitz111.

In closing, both methods of calling a video-maker gay have valor. Each has it's faults. Which is better? That is for the world to decide.

.

Guess what?

It doesn't matter what video this comment was posted on. It is applicable to every video on the internet.

It's just true.




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Wildly Veering off-topic

Wolfram Alpha is pretty cool.  Much more than a mere search engine, it is actually the first website offering to do your homework for you.

Don't believe me? Why would you? I understand how badly you've been screwed over by online English to Spanish translators in the past, why should you ever trust anything on the internet again? Well, let this wonderfully informative video explain away your fears.



There! Fears assuaged, right?

All except for the fears of fueling the robot revolution with each query... but hey! Why prolong the inevitable?

So like I said, Wolfram Alpha is pretty cool, and it certainly would have been nice to have while I was taking math, but I can't really shake the feeling that it just isn't quite right for my realm of questioning:

Yeah, I think I'll stick with Google for this one:

This is all purely hypothetical, of course, I know the great Bill Duke's filmography by heart.




.

LeAdvertising

So Nike just released a new LeBron James commercial.

Whenever someone does something in a manner as colossally douchey as LeBron's announcement that he was going to leave Cleveland to play for Miami, there is bound to be backlash.

And backlash means really good comments on your obligatory, "Fuck you haters" Nike commercial.

Choice highlights from the early birds (There will likely be an update coming once this thing gets more than 400 views)



The John Madden Award for making sure EVERYONE understands exactly what they're watching:

The Mixed Emotions Award for dropping one great nickname and one ignorant slur in the same comment:

The Charles Barkley "Tell us what you really think" Award:
(Disqualified from official competition due to the grandeur of user name.)

The "It sucks that you have to follow up fuckboy1991, but we applaud the effort of wishing physical harm to someone!" Award for being kind of creepy:

The "New York State of Mind" Award for, well... this:

The "Empire State of Mind" Award for lack of originality:

The "After School Special" Award for summing up what we've learned today:



The "Mortal Kombat" Award for performing a fatality on this debate, while having a really stupid name:


Now, all that's left to do is watch fuckboy1991 and PoopPeeSandwich fight to the death over user name supremacy.